today farewell..
nth much bsides mrs chan's departure which proved too sad for mi
tinking of the teachers leaving n the new IP head we gna have makes mi heart ache too
tinking how screwed i am wen i receive sum horrible papers nxt wk makes mi feel even more screwed


u noe..
i dun unds sumtimes
y im so weak..
well i was in a super bad mood in the morning.. as in i felt like thrashing sumthing up n felt like i cld bash sum1 up anitime if the person got into mi way..
mi mum's stupid attitude las nite jus pissed mi off.. sumhow.. as in u dun vent ur anger liddat.. if u're unhappy abt mi returning home late.. jus sae.. dunnid to use stupid excuses to ban mi frm the comp..
damned.. u noe it took mi how long to decide i wanted to go.. despite mi aching body.. i had to overcome dat mental barrier.. n forget all mi pain n jus run.. u noe how much mental strength i need.. u noe u noe?
n damned.. i called u 4 times today.. asking u if i cld go
u kept pushing it to later.. u wanted the info.. stupid excuses like.. venue time i kip telling u.. it's 9 am to 9pm.. NIE.. on the track.. all the same stupid questions... n im repeating mi words..

i gave u all u wan.. n u still refused to tell mi whether i cld go
if i carn jus sae so.. dun make mi wait aimlessly.. n make mi let the whole world wait for a stupid slow runner to decide whether she can go tonite..
fortunately jolyn n puen came to rescue.. much to mi surprise.. it was unexpected.. mi mum made mi cry cos i felt so helpless den if she banned mi frm gng.. i din noe how to explain to the cross pple..
den later suihui asked mi... ehh ur mum dun allow u to go is it..
den i wondered how she knew.. n i actly tot mi mum called ms ng.. which scared the hell outta mi leh.. as in i really bcum a kid liao if she called ms ng or even mr tan..
den later found out is dem.. happy until cry again...

den i was toking to puen on the fone.. tok tok tok den felt better
n dat veri precise moment wen i hung up the fone
MI DAD CALLED
n he started reasoning wif mi.. den i cldn help but start crying cos i felt like wad the hell dat kinda feeling..
like mi mum carn tell mi liddat.. must ask mi dad who hasn been toking to mi to tell mi all dese..
im nt a rebellious child..
i will listen one ok.. u dunnid to tell the whole world..
make mi feel so rotten..
den mi dad asked mi whether i still gng.. den i knew he was trying to coerce mi not to go.. so i told him im nt gng..
damned..

den after dat.. 2hours later.. mi mum called.. n asked mi if im going..
n she actly said
SO U GOING OR NOTS?
like i haf a choice liddat..
u banned mi frm gng..
n u sacarstically call mi n ask mi to go pack mi bag n go now
still ask mi go pack mi bag
n i felt like telling her..
do u noe i cldn even tell mi capt miself i cldn go..
i had to depend on mi frens u noe

den i said i nt gng alr
den she sacarstically said:
neh mind u wan to go jus go loh
den i cry even more.. wad the hell lah..
den she still say:
eh i tot ur teacher sign u up alr.. y now can dont go
wad the shit lah i tell u
if i had a sandbag.. i wld haf punched all the sand out of the bag..
n i felt like sum stupid idiot being manipulated yet still unable to do anithing

u noe after mi dad toked to mi.. i admitted to miself i was in the wrong.. for cuming home late..
den after dat stupid call n all the stupid sacarstic words which made mi feel so vengeful..
i cld no longer force miself to tink dat im in the wrong..
at the tot of it can make mi cry
yes i noe im weak..
but i dont like being treated liddat..
im nt playing a cat-and-mouse game here wif u okay.. get dat rite
i haf mi own life.. i noe miself best

i actly forced miself las nite n got into the running mode.. n the mental spirit
i really told miself regardless wad jus run
i zapped mi legs
i used deep heat
i iced mi leg..
i soaked mi toes in hot water for the whole nite las nite..
just to get rid of all the aches thou to no avail
n now u playing dis stupid game wif mi
n im nt going
u noe how stupid i feel now
listening to all dose words

n wen i dun reply ur sacarstic sentences
u harp on like no1's business..
n wad am i supposed to say
all the rhetorical questions..
meant to prove dat u're right
prove dat i shldn go
prove dat im weak after all
prove dat im a kid
prove dat one day im gng to get kicked out of cross
prove dat grace is an ultimate loser

i hate it
y is the feeling 2 yrs ago cuming baq again...


ms ng jus called mi
n she jus said
agnes cannot make it
n she really wans mi to go
u noe wad
im at loss